horses

Stevie taught me something about being present when I was out visiting him at the farm today.  I gave him a bath, and we went out to find some grass for him while I toweled him dry.  After my towels were mostly wet, and my horse was mostly dry, I sat down on the lawn to watch him happily munching on green grass.  As I sat back against a tree, I thought maybe I'd check my email, now that I had a moment, so I pulled my phone out of my pocket.  

As soon as I held it up and looked down at the screen, the contented crunching stopped.  I looked up to see my horse frozen in place, his eyes empty, staring straight ahead.  Definitely an expression of resigned sadness.

"You okay, buddy?  What's wrong, Steve?"  I stood up, went over to him.  The phone was back in my pocket.  I put my hand on his neck and he didn't move.  Where was my horse with the big personality?

Then I heard him, "You came all the way out here to stare at your phone?  Really?  Because that's crap, if you ask me."  And as if to emphasize his point, he crapped, right there on the lawn.

Oops.  Sorry, man.  You are so right.

Next time the phone stays in the car, my attention on my horse, and my mind in the moment.

Okay, I'll admit it.  In between thankfully longer and longer stretches of positivity, I still have plenty of bouts of uncertainty.  So I keep a log of some of the best advice I receive from so many of the amazing people in my life, and check in with it when I need a boost.  Here are some of the gems I've collected so far:

On getting back to life:
Don't BE the disease.  Get back to life.  Get back to living.
Got it.

On going back to work:
Don't worry about going back to work just yet.  You've still got 11 rounds of chemo, and I don't think you could work full-time until that's over.  Just concentrate on staying well.
Check.

On money:
You will always have what you need, when you need it.
Okay...

On stress:
Cut yourself some slack - we've had a really hard couple of years.
Right.
It'll get better.
Thanks, Dad.

On what to do next:
You've been blessed with the opportunity to figure out what you really want in life.  Take it!
Yessir!
Now's the time to learn something new.  Take some classes, maybe go back to school.
Doing it!
Maybe you should write a book.
Been thinking about that, actually...

On my horse career:
You've got this crazy ability to read horses.  Use it!
Working on it!
Why aren't you teaching riding lessons?  You need to be teaching riding lessons!
Yes ma'am!

On spirituality:
When you remember who you are, and I remember who I am, we remember: We are ONE.
YES!

On blogging:
You might run out of stuff to write about on that blog of yours.
Never!

The last couple of weeks have been tough.  Busy, busy, busy - like a hamster on a wheel.  Going nowhere - really fast.  Working all the time, feeling like I'll never catch up, and it was really getting me down.  Last month I got this tremendously great news about my health, but I've been catching myself in the throes of negativity more often than I'd like to admit.  I was certainly off-track of my normally positive outlook.  How do you practice what you preach, Girlbert?  The answer wasn't coming as quickly as I would have liked, so I wrote this little reminder for myself.  Maybe it'll be helpful for some of you, too. 

  Here some of the tricks I use to stay on track in the practice of a happy, healthy life:

• I meditate.  Every day - even if it's just for a few minutes.  I try to stop and focus on my breathing: Inhale...Exhale.  So simple, and does wonders for my stress level!
• I journal.  I never know when I'll need to jot something down, so I keep a small notebook with me.  I tell people that good or bad, it's better to get it out of your head and on paper than let it take over your mind.  Then you can look at it on page and determine if it's worth more of your energy.
• I stop what I'm doing when I'm hungry and make food for myself.  I make a point to consciously feed my body healthy food.
• I get outside and enjoy nature.  I appreciate all of the earth's creatures and taking the time to admire them renews my sense of wonder and humility.
• Find the humor and laugh!  There's something funny in every situation (I promise!), and if you can do that, you'll get through anything.
• I cry if I need to, then pick myself up and move on.  But most importantly, don't bottle it up - let it OUT!  It's okay to be angry/sad/whatever, as long as you address it and move on.
• I make time for the things I love to do.  It's important to have a hobby or creative outlet.  I started taking a watercolor class through the Cancer Center this fall, and I'm having a blast learning how to paint!  Learning something new is so good for your mind, and being an art student reminds me that we're all students in the lesson that is life!  I've also recently begun to take more time for my horse and my horse friends and that's been good for my spirit and to reconnect with the horse girl inside me.  Reminds me that I'm still a horse girl, just waiting to get back in the saddle.
• I exercise.  Okay, not every day, but I try to do something to get my blood pumping at least every other day.  Then I yoga or do some pilates at home on days in between.  I admit I'm not a big fan of exercising for exercising's sake, but I've seen the results of with vs. without:  My blood counts (taken every week) are more stable, my mood is better, and I definitely have more energy with exercise.  (Don't they have some research to prove that, somewhere, too?)  Not to mention I look better with a little muscle on, and who doesn't like to look good?  A shaman once told me, "if you look good, you feel good."
• I love to read, so I turn to the following authors when I need inspiration and support: I have to give credit to Shirley MacLaine for getting me started on my spiritual journey, so I consider anything of hers worth reading, but probably start with Out on a Limb.  Louise Hay has written numerous inspirational books on self-healing and cured her own cancer.  Deepak Chopra's Seven Spiritual Laws of Success is simple, yet eye-openingly profound.  I go back to Richard Bach's Illusions, Jonathan Livingston Seagull and Running From Safety again and again for inspiration.  Not a big reader?  I've come across several thought-provoking documentaries over the last couple of years, too: Kris Carr's Crazy Sexy Cancer, Temple Grandin, and What The Bleep Do They Know? are a few of the most memorable.
• I keep a record of inspiring or thought-provoking quotations to refer to when I need a quick pick-me-up.  When I come across an inspirational phrase, I write it down in a notebook.  Here are a few:

"Whether you think you can or you can't; you are right."  Henry Ford

"What lies behind us and what lies before us are small matters compared to what lies within us."  Emerson

"Make every day the best day of the year."  Emerson

"Whether it is life or a horse that throws you, get right back on."  Author Unknown

"Our greatest glory is not in never falling, but in rising every time we fall." Confucius

"Some succeed because they are destined to; others because they are determined to."  Author Unknown

"Do unto others because they ARE us."  Shirley MacLaine

"The only journey worth taking is the one through oneself."  Yeats

"Argue for you limitations, and sure enough, they're yours."  Richard Bach

"An uninvestigated life is not worth living."  Socrates

I stole some of the quotations above from Gayle Lampe's book, Riding For Success.  Gayle was my amazing professor and riding instructor at William Woods University.  Lucky for me, she's a dear friend as well.

And I have to give credit to so many healers, friends (animals, too!), shamans, energy workers, family members, doctors, holistic practitioners, and some people I've never even met; for inspiring me to be better, learn more, and HEAL.  So put yourself out there - you never know who you'll meet, what you'll learn, or what you'll get back.   Know that your energy, love, and support will be returned, times ten!

You'd better believe it.

So there's more to the title of that last post - much more - but I opted to quit with just the facts last time.  Just get everybody up to speed with the story, while taking a little more time to process and plan Part Two.

As I wrote the previous post, something struck me as I typed the words, "Believe It."  They appeared on the screen before me, and I realized I had much more to share than "Just the facts, m'am".  One of my mantras over my years of exploration into my own spirituality, my mission in this lifetime, on this planet; has been "If I believe it, well then it must be true," or "If you believe that, that it will be true for you."  I'm always telling people: "There is so much power in what you think!"  Also, "Write down what you want, and you'll have it."

I was really lucky to have this really great riding instructor, professor, and mentor in college whose mantra was, "There's no sense in practicing at all, if you're going to practice the wrong things.  Practice correctly, or don't practice at all."  She was, of course, talking about riding horses, but I've carried that mantra with me through all aspects of life.  She's also one of the happiest, cheeriest people I know, so I'm pretty sure she applies this statement to her whole life, too.

I didn't realize how to apply it to more than riding then, but I see it so clearly now.  I've been working for a long time toward the goal of being happy, and more recently, toward health.  Obviously the two go hand in hand!  So I practice happiness, instead of sadness.  I practice making healthy choices, instead of unhealthy choices.  This isn't to say I'm always happy or healthy, or that it's easy.  But I make a conscious effort to practice correctly.  If I get off course, I make a correction.  And I learn from my mistakes.  And I believe that I will achieve my goals.  I write down what I want.  I imagine myself succeeding.  And I know anything is possible, as long as I believe it.

I struggle with doubt, sure.  I have to fend off plenty of sadness.  There will always be obstacles, but the point is to not let my mind be one of them.  But I've made a practice of believing everything will work out in a positive way, provided that I stay focused on the positive outcome.  I've had plenty of help from healers, shamans, and energy workers to help drive that point home throughout the years, and it's finally starting to stick.  I'm still a student and life is one lesson after another, but practice makes perfect.

You'd better believe it.

I've been meaning to write about this for a long time, but it always seems too big a subject to tackle in a single blog post.  And so it is.  But I'll touch on it, anyway, as an introduction of sorts to my next few posts.  In which I'll be writing about my animals: two old horses and a cat, and their incredible gifts.  I may even get into some of the animals from my past, too - I still carry their lessons with me today, and they'll always be a part of my story.

Why now?  Several things came together for me recently to finally motivate me to take on the GIANORMOUS subject of animal healing:

First; October is Adopt-A-Pet Month.  (It's still October, right?)

Then; while flipping through the Santa Barbara Independent's Annual Animal Issue, I came across an ad for "The Cutest Pet in Santa Barbara" Photo Contest.  Deadline was a few days off, why not take the photo-op to brag about my wonderful, healing, feline friend?  Game on!  Hundreds of the cutest photos of Truly later, I submitted my final (it was tough!) choice, along with her "cutest" story, to the paper for the contest.  But I realized that writing about her "cuteness" was merely scratching the surface of all there is to the Truly story, inspiring me to get to the rest of it!

Next; I'm due to start my 7th round of chemo next week. Chemo weeks always remind me of how powerful our connection to our animals really is: mine each mirror my pain in some way, reminding me that I'm not doing anything alone.  As it is every month: Truly is my on-call bed and couch-mate, cuddling with her mom for all the extra naptime; my horse Stevie tends to take a hit to his own health, clearly reflecting my distress; and Reggie, twelve hundred miles away in Colorado, causes my friend Jenny to call me up and ask, "You doing okay?  Is this a chemo week?  'Cause Reggie's really droopy today."   Yep, I've got a pair of horse-shaped pillars on either side of me and a cat purring on my lap - my own personal team of energy boosting, pain-absorbing, animal healers to pick me up when I'm down.

And finally; I received the following email from one of my greatest animal healing (human!) friends, who lives entirely too far away in Switzerland.  Warning: get out the tissue!

I RESCUED A HUMAN TODAY*
                
Her eyes met mine as she walked down the corridor peering apprehensively into the kennels.  I felt her need instantly and knew I had to help her.  I wagged my tail, not too exuberantly, so she wouldn't be afraid.
        
As she stopped at my kennel I blocked her view from a little accident I had in the back of my cage.  I didn't want her to know that I hadn't been walked today. Sometimes the shelter keepers get too busy and I didn't want her to think poorly of them.
        
As she read my kennel card I hoped that she wouldn't feel sad about my past.  I only have the future to look forward to and want to make a difference in someone's life.
        
She got down on her knees and made little kissy sounds at me.  I shoved my shoulder and side of my head up against the bars to comfort her. Gentle fingertips caressed my neck; she was desperate for companionship.
        
 A tear fell down her cheek and I raised my paw to assure her that all would be well. Soon my kennel door opened and her smile was so bright that I instantly jumped into her arms.  I would promise to keep her safe.  I would promise to always be by her side. I would promise to do everything I could to see that radiant smile and sparkle in her eyes.  I was so fortunate that she came down my corridor.  So many more are out there who haven't walked the corridors.  So many more to be saved.  At least I could save one.
        
I rescued a human today.

May you be blessed enough to be rescued by an animal in your lifetime.  If you have already, I welcome your stories in the comments. 

*Written by Janine Allen CPDT, Rescue Me Dog's professional dog trainer. Janine's passion is working with people and their dogs. She provides demonstrations for those who have adopted shelter dogs, lends email support to adopted dog owners that need information beyond our Training Support Pages, and aids shelter staff and volunteers in understanding dog behavior to increase their adoptability. Copyright 2010 Rescue Me Dog; www.rescuemedog.org.

I'd been thinking about it for months.  Maybe even a year.  Then the day came and went, and I didn't even acknowledge it, at least not the way I should have.  I told a handful of people, "My old grey horse, Reggie, turns 30 today."

Reggie is my grand old lesson pony, left in the fabulous care of a dear friend in Colorado when I moved to Califonia in 2008.  It broke my heart to have to leave him, but it would have been selfish to uproot him and haul him halfway across the country at his age. 

I'd intended to write something sigificant, something memorable, something that would adequately capture the essence of the little grey horse that could.  But every time I sat down to tackle the task I realized just how much there was - just how big this little grey horse really is.

So many stories, so little internet!

Nearly eleven years ago, I had just arrived in Colorado and was in desperate need of a good "baby beginner" lesson mount for my newly established Premier Riding School.  A friend of a friend of a friend told me about this 19 year-old grey Arabian gelding, registered with the Purebred Arabian Horse Association as High Regard.  He was described as having "a lot of use left in him" and the owner was looking to give him to a good home so that he "didn't go to waste".  I'd like to say I rescued him from a nearly abandoned barn, regretfully leaving his stablemate behind, but I realize now that he saved me.  Because he quickly established himself as the safest, most trustworthy, most well-trained lesson horse I've ever had the privilege to call my own.  He became the anchor of my riding lesson program.

Reggie was the horse that endured bouncing, pulling and mixed signals as students learned the basics of horsemanship and balance.  Not that he was a dead-head or without flaws, but I quickly learned not to judge this rough, fleabitten, arthritic, old gelding by his cover.  He was smart.  Too smart, sometimes.  He was sensitive and opinionated (ask my vet!).  And he was funny.  As in, he laughed at his own jokes.  This little grey horse was unmatched in the humor department, and he reminded me to lighten up when I needed it.  So, I laughed with him.

He understood his job, and took it very seriously.  He didn't just carry people around - he safely instilled confidence in the most timid of riders, but knew when a student had turned a corner and was ready to take it to the next level.  He taught me how to teach people to ride.  Over the years I watched him humble countless riding students when they needed it, including advanced show riders and adults.  Just try getting on him with any inkling in your mind that you know more than he does.  Sometimes an advanced adult rider wouldn't be able to get him to trot.  At all.  He was his own version of, "So you think you can ride?"

But he was so much more than just any lesson horse.  I spent at least an hour a day with Reggie, usually six days a week, for seven years.  He was my business partner and my friend.  He taught my students every bit of horsemanship, from the ground up.  I used to tell people, "he teaches the lessons, not me!"  He didn't just teach students to ride, but to listen, as well.  Myself included.

But wait, there's so much more:  Reggie has touched the lives of so many, please complete his story, from your perspective, in the comments below.  Whether it's a whole story, or just a quick sentence, Reg and I want to hear from you!  Spread the word...there's a PRIZE involved - ten notecards with Reggie's face on them to my favorite comment before August 15, 2010!

Here I am!  Not writing has been killing me, with so little space in my head for remembering!

Boyfriend had sailing work in Southern California and Mexico for most of February.  My oncologist almost fell out of his chair laughing when I asked.  "Mexico?  That would be a NO."  I sort of need a babysitter, so we decided I would go stay with friends and family while he was working.

So off the midwest I went.  My first stop was St. Louis, to visit my friend Kari.

Kari is one of my oldest horse friends.  And I'm not talking about her age, because we're only a year apart.  But I've known Kari since the fourth grade, that would be twenty-four years, which is a long time in horse years.  We took lessons at the same riding stable in North Aurora, Illinois.   We grew up riding and showing Saddlebred horses together in Illinois, Iowa and Wisconsin.  She came to my graduation from William Woods University in Fulton, MO.  We were in each other's weddings. 

Then I was out of touch.  Recently, her old horse Bubba passed away and we got back in touch.  When Kari suggested that I make St. Louis the first leg of my three-week tour, I jumped at the chance.  I had yet to meet her daughter, Ella (she's six already!), and her new horses, Rooty and Thumper.

Kari and I didn't miss a beat, riding horses, talking horses, breathing horses.  (Thanks for putting up with us, Dave!)  The only thing that has changed is the addition of the fascinating, profound combination of Kari and Dave that is their daughter, Ella.  Nice to meet you, young lady.

We even took a road trip (sans the 80s music - damn broken iPod!) to Farmington, MO to see another couple of dear friends - Andy Amsden and my old horse, Amy.  She looks fabulous and happy, and clearly remembered me.  I can still see her expression as she touched my arm gently with her nose (Mom!... touch...You're... touch...here!... touch....), just like she always did.  I love you, too, girlie.  Thank you, Andy, for taking such great care of my girl!

We finished up our five days of good 'ol equine-saturated bliss with a drive up north into Illinois, meeting my parents halfway.  We had lunch, tearful goodbyes, then my parents took me the rest of the way to their house in Aurora, IL.  On Kari's birthday, no less.  Thanks for sharing your day with me, Kari.  Thanks for everything.

Let's do it again soon, 'kay?

Check out the photo gallery.

Further midwest adventures coming soon!

I am officially one of those crazy raw-food people.  I've had the juicer a week, and the million-dollar question in our house has become:  "What do we juice next?"  

"Should we try carrots and oranges together?"  

"Yes!"

"What about apples and broccoli and carrots?"  

"Oooh, yeah!"

I've been eating about 80% fresh, raw foods for almost a week now, and I don't know that I've ever felt this good my entire life.  Energy and positivity abounds!

It's been a LONG time since the thought of adding anything to my to-do list each day, particularly something athletic, didn't make me want to throw myself off a cliff.  But my energy level has hit the roof and BEYOND.  I feel like my old self again, only better.  I feel like I can do ANYTHING, maybe even multi-task!  And I WANT to do things!  Like yoga!  And clean my house!  And MAKE MORE JUICE!

Despite the fact that I did get to ride a horse (for the first time since February - yahooie!) and give a young friend of mine a riding lesson last week, I'm referring to getting back on my mountain bike.  I haven't ridden since brain tumor (SBT) and Keppra.

Exercise has been LOW on the priority list for a multitude of reasons.  First, taking the time has been difficult, with brain cancer being a full-time job and all.  And I'm overwhelmed when Boyfriend asks me what he can make me for dinner, never mind what happens when the credit card companies start calling at 7am.  Then there's the fact that even going for a hike would leave me a bit shaky, combining my medication's side effects with physical exertion.  So getting on something with wheels, even with a helmet, hasn't seemed like the prudent thing to do.

But Friday I was feeling restless, not to mention brave, so Boyfriend and I went on an 8-mile ride.  AND IT FELT GREAT.

Hopping on that kid's horse for five minutes last week actually did more lasting damage than the hour-long bike ride.  My inner thighs have been punishing me, complete with maniacal laughter, ever since.  (Is is lame to point out that I didn't bother adjusting the stirrups, and so I went without? For the whole five minutes?)

We just got back from our second bike ride.  STILL GREAT.

Behold, the power of THE JUICE.