A Little Help From My Friends.

You may recall from my previous post that in addition to all that empowerment I recieved at my last doctor appointment, I also received an increased dosage of my anti-seizure drug, Keppra.  At the time of the instruction to increase my dosage by 50%, I thought, "Oh, so I'll be a little more tired, a little more out of it - it's already in my system.  No prob."  

WRONG!  Business as usual for a couple of days and I found myself barely able to move from one horizontal surface in my 900 square-foot house to another.  

I used to call it the crazy medicine, but it's turned MEAN.  It's certainly doing what it's supposed to be doing - I've been seizure-free for over two weeks.

First came the physical fatigue.  Then the hysterical crying.  Shakiness.  Dizzy spells.  Soon I was fighting relentless headaches that had me convinced that my head was going to explode.  Blood and brains everywhere, all Quentin Tarantino-style.  Really.

My efforts to meditate the pain away, previously successful, were completely useless, nausea-inducing and painfully frustrating.  Boyfriend was at a horrified loss, and I didn't know how to express the pain I was in, but to cry harder.  I either slept all day and night, or couldn't quiet my mind enough to sleep for a day or two.

Before I realized what was happening, I had no control of my own mind.  "That's below the belt, Keppra."

So back to that previous post.  The one in which I claimed to have recieved an extra-large helping of empowerment, no extra charge.  Shortly after I hit "publish" I must have reached my validation-via-internet quota or something, because my brain turned into a gooey marshmallow and began to ooze out my right ear.  And Girlbert and her empowerment were never seen or heard from again.

But WAIT - that's not how the story ends!  While I may not have been able to put a sentence together for a while now, much less come up with a witty, insightful post, I am trying to process and document what just happened, if only to truly acknowledge the lesson for myself.  So if you will just humor me, I might try to do that right now, albeit with a marshmallow for a brain.

This week made me realize that I've been going about my quest to "Heal Thyself" from not exactly the correct angle.  My outlook has been all skewed, so to speak.  (My high school geometry teacher, Mr. James, would be sooo proud.)  All the health food and juice, kicking my own ass into action and positivity.  Boyfriend's repeated suggestions to rest, meditate, STOP WORKING - ignored.  "You need to work on your mind, or it doesn't matter how healthy you eat."  But I was completely missing the forest for the trees.

Not letting anybody help me, because I was responsible for healing myself.  And I would be calling the shots.  Seeing as how it was my brain tumor and all.   Each good day I had I'd think, "Look at me, I'm going to go in for my next MRI and this stupid tumor will be gone.  I'll show them - I don't need ANYBODY."  And then the universe uses that moment to show me otherwise.

You think you don't need anybody, huh?  You think you can do it all by yourself?  How about I take away your rationality, bodily function and will to live for a minute.  How about then?  Bet you need some help now!

The universe always wins.  Because I wouldn't have survived the last week (much less the last year) without relying heavily on people who love me and want to help me.  So when Boyfriend picked up the inconsolable, lifeless shell of my former, fabulous self off the floor and set it on the couch, emergency-dialed my spiritual guide/channel/healer for a long-distance healing and handed me the phone, I knew better than to resist.  

"Hey darlin', what's going on?"  Tears of relief ran down my face at the sound of her voice, and before I could reply, she began, "Lose the guilt - everybody WANTS to help you.  You're staying on the planet, in your body, because you have a lot to offer in return."

An hour later, I saw a glimpse of myself in the mirror for the first time in over a week as I brushed my teeth.  Then I went to bed and slept for 13 hours.

The next morning morning I woke with a headache, but I meditatively karate-chopped it, and it cowered in the corner for the rest of the day. That's right! I might kick you again!

Lesson in progress: I'm nobody without the amazing people I surround myself with.  By opening myself to this lesson, I have regained the ability to meditate.  I have reopened myself to the endless supply of love, support and positive energy and am realizing how much more power I have to heal.   Opportunities to give back are currently presenting themselves as I can handle them, and it feels so good to give!

I have my next two-month MRI tomorrow morning (Tuesday, 9/8/09).  I am open to receiving positive, tumor-shriveling energy, starting right now.  I can't wait for the amazing results, and I will certainly let you know how hard my (Ninja) Neurologist's jaw hits the floor.

Hello Keppra - I see you, and I plan to match your merciless side affects with kung fu meditation and a little help from my friends.  You, too, little tumor.

UPDATE 9/9/09, 2pm:

Yesterday I was turned away from my second two-month MRI because of a miscommunication between doctors, staff and the myriad of patient financial "assistance" programs involved.  THE GOOD NEWS IS: I have received authorization for the MRI, and have been rescheduled for 5:30pm this evening - so BONUS tumor-shrinking time for me!  I should still be able to have my MRI in hand for the appointment with my Ninja Neurologist tomorrow, so I'll keep you posted on the good news (and jaw-dropping!).

May the girl-nerd win.